If you’re a guy, chances are you’ve been the one summoning up the courage to ask women out since you still had a recess schedule. You’re the one who always has to do the hard work: find a woman, decide you like her, figure out how to approach her, and probably get shot down for your trouble. While women do sometimes ask men out in real life, it’s usually something that only happens when everyone is clear how this is going to end: it’s a sure thing, or she wouldn’t put herself on the line.

That’s why when it comes to online dating, a lot of men want to get sloppy. They think that now that they have a profile online, they can sit back and the women are going to come to them. That’s not always the case. While you very well might get messages from just passively existing on the site, you could get asked out in real life too, and look how often that happens. This guide will remind you how important it is to be proactive in your love life both online and once you’ve gotten her out on that all important first date.

Women Are Conditioned to Hang Back

The major reason you haven’t been asked out by hot women more in your life isn’t that every girl you’ve ever had a crush on from toddlerhood on up has been really shy. The reason is that women are told by society that asking someone out is the man’s job. Men are supposed to do the asking, and women are supposed to think of ways to convince them to ask. Talk about society shooting you in the foot, right? It would be amazing if more women were willing to put themselves out there, give you clear signals, and ask you out. The worst that could happen was being turned down, and you face that risk every time you ask them out.

Still, the point of the matter stands: even online it’s much less likely for a woman to approach you. If you want to get a lot of dates and start having a lot of fun on popular online dating sites you have to start making the first move. Send out messages, talk to women in the chat, and always keep reaching out to more and more women. They’re not going to flock to you like they do in the cologne commercials. You’ll need to dangle some bait in the water.

Bold Men Seem Confident

Confidence is key. If you want to get women to love you, you have to act like you’re the best lover in Newcastle all the time. Don’t be a braggart, and don’t do anything over the top. Being confident doesn’t mean you have to fight a guy in a bar in front of your date. It means that you have to walk like you own the place, always keep that smile on your face, and don’t hesitate to ask her out or ask her back to your place.

If you send a woman a nice message, she’s going to be grading you in her mind. You’ll get points for referencing her profile, and you’ll get points for having things in common with her, and if you’ve passed these two pretty basic tests you’ll also get points for actually doing something brave. Women are aware that asking them out takes balls, and almost every woman will be willing to credit you with a few good faith points if you manage to ask her out without being crude or proving that you just didn’t read anything from her profile at all.

You Can Start Multiple Flings

The best thing about being the one sending out the messages is that you get to control how many women you have at once. You can keep sending out messages until you have a fling, two flings, three flings and a girlfriend, and so on and so on. When you’re in the driver’s seat you can keep trying until you get into a schedule that you like and you want to keep. Otherwise, you’re at the mercy of the fates, and it always seems like women only want you when you’re already kind of booked up.

Casual online dating is best when you’re not exclusive. Even if you don’t mean to be exclusive, if you’re only hooking up with one woman on a dating site’s popular online forums then you’re not really being all you can be. If you can have at least two flings at once you’re less likely to ruin them by getting overly attached. That’s the common mistake that pretty much everyone makes online at some point or another. An attack of attachment can cause you real problems.

Sending a Message Online Is No Big Risk

When you’re online at a popular dating site, you know that these women want to hook up. And you know that you have a ton of options. You can browse through hundreds and hundreds of matches just in the Newcastle area. On these sites, you can see more women than you could ask out if all you did was compose first messages to women on dating sites as a profession. This means that your risk per message is actually really low. When a woman rejects you in person you’re embarrassed, you have to tell her goodbye stick, and everyone basically knows that you got shot down. That’s no fun. Online, no one has to see her say no and if she does you can instantly message 3 more women who were just as hot. Your feelings will be safe here.

Rejection Gets Easier

Also, the first cut is the deepest. Women reject you, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. After the third time, you won’t even feel it. You’ll be too busy picking out the next beauty to get a note from you. You might think that you’ll never get used to it, but honestly, just like anything else you will eventually adapt. In two months you’ll laugh that you ever actually cared about “rejection” at all.

In Person, She’s on the Fence

So, online it’s pretty clear that you need to be making the moves. But now you’ve done it; you’ve gotten her on a date! Congratulations, but now what? Don’t stop making the first moves. Don’t go pushy, and don’t skip steps; going in for a “hello” kiss the very first time you meet isn’t appropriate, but initiating physical contact by taking her elbow to lead her to your seats in the theater is fine. Use common sense to take the lead, because in person a woman is trying to make up her mind what she’s going to do based on the evidence. You need to guide her opinion.

What If She Wanted You to?

Most guys who hang back do because they can’t stop wondering “What if she doesn’t want me to?” What if she doesn’t want me to ask her out, or hold her hand, or buy her a drink, or kiss her? The next time you find yourself asking “But what if she doesn’t…” anything, ask yourself instead “What if she did want me to, and I never found out?”